Tender Mercies (Part 11)

I've had the worst luck with friends in the past 2.5 decades of my life. I think that I'm pretty fiercely loyal when it comes to people I care about; and also codependent. The mix doesn't mesh well.

I've been doing a lot of self work that has required a lot of thinking, processing, and quite literal molding myself and my mind into who I want to be. The work is difficult, but it's incredible to look down from the mountain I've climbed and see the progress before my very eyes.

After all the heartache of losing friends, the emptiness of buying friends, the destructiveness of not aligning myself with the "right type of friends", and the never ending seeking for the approval of "friends",  I had just about given up. I told my therapist I didn't need anyone or want anyone in my life. I was just going to move to the middle of nowhere and live and be by myself where no one could hurt me and where I could hurt no one. I tried just flat out pushing everyone away because "being friends" was exhausting. Being around people was painful. And I stayed stuck in that mindset for an amount of time I'm embarrassed to admit. It took a while before I finally admitted to my own mistakes and misjudgments. I dusted myself off with my tail between my legs and got back to work. God must have noticed the effort I was pouring into my own development because somewhere along the road that same God decided to change it up.

In the midst of losing a friend that I thought was finally this ultimate friend-- I all so over-dramatically believed that life couldn't go on and that I absolutely couldn't catch a break. But God was already in the finest and most intricate parts of the fabric. When I look back at the work I invested in myself and the progress that I've made since what seemed like rock bottom, I cannot deny the hand of God in my life. He had an infinitely better plan all along.

And thus, this is how He is in all our lives: He is in every detail. 

Tender Mercies (Part 10)

Sometimes I wish I wasn't a nurse. I'm realizing it's happening more and more frequently.

I have been struggling to find a purpose in my profession. And I'd be lying if I told you I love going to work everyday. 

Maybe I'm burnt out. 

Maybe I'm just growing too accustomed to the hardships and heartbreak so many of my patients and their families experience. 

Being a nurse isn't always what I thought it would be. 

But some days God places pockets of peace throughout my shift. I am so quick to forget that He is always mindful of us. 

This little mister and I quickly became friends. I'm not sure if it was his attack hugs, shouting my name from down the hall, sneaking him strawberry ice cream to share with grandpa, or watching his eyes light up when he heard his heart beat through my stethoscope. 

But he stole my heart. 

Thanks for all the love little man! 

Friendship Chocolate

i broke yesterday.

I called my dad sobbing uncontrollably and told him I didn't want to be a nurse anymore. There's too much death. Too much suffering. Too many people who treat nurses like dirt. Every day I go to work is another family's worst nightmare. It's the day their nightmares become reality. It's most often the day their lives change forever, unexpectedly. 

I was feeling especially incompetent and frustrated. My patient who was completely capable of eating and taking medications was flat out refusing to do so. I spent most of my day coaxing him to eat, making him protein shakes to get some sort of caloric intake. I spoon fed him. I tried appetite stimulants.  I explained the reality of a feeding tube if he wouldn't increase his intake. Still, he'd pocket his pills like a chipmunk and spit them out. He refused food. He refused to cooperate period. 

I just don't understand. How can someone who is so capable just not care? I have patients dying to live in the neighboring rooms. And here he is playing possum with the nurse for two hours about taking medications. Here he is refusing care. 

I felt like a failure. I felt like a waste of time. 

But today was different. Today a little girl, that I have learned to love the past 21 days, came to visit her grand dad in the hospital. Her family and I have grown close over the course of his stay. And when her face lights up, I know why I chose to be a nurse. I know why I choose to put on my scrubs and come into work day after day, even when it's sad. Even when it's hard. Even when I think I can't take it anymore. Every day I show up to work I have the chance to make someone feel loved and important.  I remember how much of a difference I felt I made in that little girl's life when she visited her grand dad for the first time. The ICU is a scary place for an 8 year old little girl. We did everything we could think of to make the hospital a pleasant place to be. Even to the smallest details. Needless to say, she took it well. She was so excited to come back and visit her favorite nurse Jessie. 

Today that little girl offered me some chocolate. There were only two left after she had shared them with every nurse on the unit. And I took one, and she took the other. Now we have friendship chocolates. And when she eats these chocolates she'll remember her friend nurse Jessie, and when I eat them I'll think of her.

I taped it to my locker door.

And when I see it I'll remember the sunshine in her soul and how much love I felt for one little person. I'm so glad I'm a nurse, because I met her. 

Called To Serve

"I know you're going to love Guatemala and her people. Who knew my kid brother was willing to leave everything he knows: his home, family, friends, girlfriend, dog, car, adn all the comforts that come with it-- for the chance to teach others about our Savior, Jesus Christ, in a language he doesn't speak or understand in a foreign country 2000 miles away? The Lord will do great things through you, and you're going to have the opportunity to bless the lives of so many people. Guatemala is so lucky @colemvalentine. I love you and I am so proud of you for making this selfless and courageous decision. See you in two, Elder! #ElderValentine"

We Cry Too

We are human, and often times people think that we, as nurses, could never understand. But that's incorrect. We do this weekly, daily, sometimes multiple times a day.

Read Me

We shatter too. 

Little World Traveler

Met a new friend on the plane today that described flying between clouds as swimming through a milkshake. She said she never wanted to leave. Kids these days. 👏🏼😂

Wave of Change

Another wave of change is coming.
I've encountered plenty of waves now.
I know only this:
That waves will still keep coming,
and the water will still keep moving.
And nothing ever stays the same.

So love the people you're with a little bit more.
Breathe in deep and take it all in.
And when an opportunity arises, take it.
Because that wave may not come again.