Lightbulb (?) Moment.

For a very long time, I've known I wanted to be a nurse. I remember my failed attempt to get into my program and my victory. I remember working so hard to make my dream come true. 

I also remember Ms. Wiley, one of my advisement coaches. She lent me a book that had pages upon pages of the different fields of nursing. I took it home eager to read through it and discover exactly what kind of nurse I wanted to be. Then my eyes swept across the title: 

Flight Nurse. 

I was sold: Emergency medicine, in a helicopter, adrenaline rush, real life saving. I'd be saving lives and working miracles. Wait is this my real life? 

I have met some really good role models like Janie and Susie who are also flight nurses. It's a long road to get where they are and it starts with experience in an ICU, emergency medicine, and many, many certifications. 

Flight nurses legit know their shiz.
They have to. 

My critical care clinical rotation in the ICUs at the UofU only solidified my deep passion to be a flight nurse. I had a phenomenal instructor: Liz. I was learning and thriving and soaking everything in that she could possibly teach me. I knew my goal was lofty. I was going to earn my wings, save lives, and make a difference. 

But I'm realizing more and more that with all this work in an actual ICU, I see more death than I see life saving. Sure there are miracles and many people go home with minor deficits. Some go home after extensive rehab and their lives are changed drastically. But there's a good portion of the population that I care for that aren't as lucky. They die. There's nothing more we can do. After throwing the kitchen sink at them, I'm merely the means that keeps a family member alive on machines and harsh medications until the family can say a proper goodbye. I just prolong their life, if I can. And when it's time to go, I bathe them, reassure them that I'm going to take good care of their family and their body, and give them warm blankets so that they can graduate this life with dignity.

I'm a nurse.

I don't save lives.
And you know what? It's hard to accept that. It's hard to believe that I worked so hard to be where I am with the goal in mind that I would save lives, and that this is what the reality of my job is. But I have a sacred privilege to be my Brother's Keeper when some of life's hardest moments are present and/or ever looming near. 

I told Liz, my mentor, about my lightbulb (?) moment. She replied with a quote from Spencer W. Kimball. It states: "Death is a natural part of life, as is birth, and heroic efforts to prolong life are neither necessary nor expected." 

And so I left that to simmer.