On Resolutions, Continued

Today I took an exam.

And as I looked up at the testing center screen that magically flashes my score among so many other hopeful students' grades, I cringed.

Let's just say, I've had much better exam scores.

I cried.

But if you remember correctly, I may have mentioned here that I was going to work on loving myself. I decided that I wouldn't let grades define me. I wish I could tell you I didn't define myself by my grades in that moment. But I did. I think a bazillion thoughts rushed my brain at once like the Utes rushed the Lavell Edwards Football Field. The timing was all wrong, and lets face it-- it was all kinds of poor sportsmanship. But my thoughts were eager to celebrate their victory over my self esteem.

How can I be a critical care nurse if I can't perform well on paper?

Easy. Just because I didn't answer the questions the way a professor, the NCLEX, or a textbook would want me to answer them-- doesn't mean that I am a failure.

So I picked myself back up, looked myself square in the eyes in the mirror, and told those rotten negative thoughts: "Grades do not define me."

Because they don't. Thank goodness for awesome roommates who remind me to love myself.

Now maybe I should focus on becoming a little bit more like this munchkin:

On Resolutions

I know it's weird to make resolutions in March, but I'm doing it anyway. I've decided that I deserve the fresh start now, and that putting these resolutions off until January 2015 would be a mistake. You see, there have been numerous events in my life recently (the entire month of February) that have lead me to the conclusion that my priorities should be reevaluated. So, reevaluate I must.

Among these resolutions is one that I feel applies to a lot of us. In a conversation I had with my lovely roommates, I explained to them that I was reevaluating some things in my life and asked them what they felt I could improve on-- seeing as they see me on a daily basis, and live with me ( I was expecting something along the lines of showering more often or playing something else besides the Katy Perry pandora station). Well, they dropped everything (because who wants to do homework anyway?) and we had a conversation that was hard for me to come to terms with. And what they had to say had nothing to do with my music choices or my personal hygiene. 

The verdict: Self-Love

Even as they pointed this very obvious fact out to me, I attempted to deny it for an extended amount of time in our conversation. But then I recognized that I was lying to myself. And that awful feeling like a pit in your stomach took over. The truth is that I struggle with this just like almost every other girl I know. And I've decided that I don't want to live like that anymore. Here is why: 

1. I am a Daughter of God: The Creator of the Universe. He created me in His image and His likeness. He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to atone for my sins in the flesh. He loves me despite my imperfections. He makes all things possible for me. If God can love me, I can love me too. 

2. I am through limiting myself. I always play myself down or play the "what if" game. And let's face it, how many times do those "ifs" really happen? It's okay to take risks. It's okay to take a leap of faith. I'm meant for so much more than what I limit myself to. 

So I'm going to start being nicer to myself.

I'm going to take my exams with the knowledge that the letter grade does not define me, my abilities as a nurse, or my IQ.  

I'm going to give myself time to heal and to build resilience. 

I'm going to stop trying to control the things that I can't control. 

And I'm going to start learning a whole lot more about myself from God's perspective. He knows me best, so I think it's about time I start submitting to His master plan and allow Him to perfect me and make me whole. 

Here's to Resolutions in March-- and for the opportunities we have to improve ourselves daily.