Tender Mercies Galore

Sometimes I stress so much.

Like 180 degrees wide.

And I try to force things into working my own way in my own time.

Sometimes it's ignorance. Other times it's just me being selfish.

Sometimes I forget that God has a handle on things.

Even when I don't.

Sometimes you're in a bind and need a place to live and the money to move there and your life feels like a mess because you don't have a place to belong. 

And then it's blatantly obvious God is working behind the scenes. Because He places a post in your Facebook feed about a lease up for grabs and you get home after stressing all day and week and month and open the mailbox to a check that covers the rent for that lease and more. All within a matter of 2 hours. And you think to yourself-- Lord why did I ever question you?

I am so slow to learn.

But I am so grateful that He teaches me.

Miracles

I remember a time when this little munchkin thought she lived in a hospital. The hospital was more home than home was. So much so, in fact, that she would be ecstatic to visit the clinic, hospital, or emergency room at any chance. 

I also remember when she lost her hair to chemotherapy and all the Ugly that came with it. I remember her carrying her infusion pump around with her. I remember her extra appendage of a PICC line in her arm-- there since I had first met her years ago when she had the chicken pox. Thinking back now, it seems so simple what made her happy; chicken broth, being held, dressing up like a princess-- she'd just climb into my arms and snuggle with me. 

I remember getting the news that the first transplant had failed and that she would need a second. I remember pleading with God for a miracle, even though He had already answered that prayer for her older sister months earlier. I hoped she would live, but I was scared she would die. Life is so fragile. Through it all she was positive and happy and even when she didn't feel well and spent the majority of her day over her friendly pink bucket, she did not complain. It was all she had ever known really; being sick.

This month we celebrated her seventh birthday. There was a time I wondered if she'd even live to see her next birthday, let alone her seventh. She's still bright eyed and happy. She's still the little champ I've always known. She still shouts my name and runs to me with her arms open when I come to visit. And I'm just so grateful I have had the chance to learn and grown with this little one and her family.

Her hugs feel like home. And her freckles kill me

Back to School

There's something about the hustle and bustle of back to school season that makes my inner child so excited. And this morning I was thinking about some of my favorite things: Crayola crayons, Ticonderoga #2 pencils, Elmer's glue, brand new pencil cap erasers, and new packs of college ruled lined paper etc. as the back to school commercials and sales pop up everywhere I look it seems.

And then it hit me. IT'S HARRY POTTER SEASON. Fall always brings the magic of Harry Potter and it starts with back to school shopping. And then the excitement of a new beginning, the familiarity of autumn and its sights, smells, and sounds. It's warm and glowing and nostalgic like jackolaterns. 

Fall has always been my favorite. Now I know why. Thanks J.K. Rowling, and Happy Birthday Harry!

Maker of the Stars

"Author of my hope,

Maker of the stars,

Let me be Your work of art,

Won't You write Your story on my heart."

And then she decided to stop wishing on stars and to start praying to her God who created them.

Life Goals

Growing

I was thinking today because there's no telling exactly what my mind will revert to after four shifts in a row and my Jesus music on.

I was thinking about growth. How much I've grown in the past couple years. Not just physically into and adult, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and my capacity as a human being in general.

You might have thought I'd say India is what really changed me. 

Or moving across the country to Tennessee and starting my profession.

Or maybe it started way before that when I started nursing school and just started out on my own.

But in reality there is only one real thing that has helped me grow into me: therapy.

Not physical therapy. 

Psychotherapy. 

And if you want to know more about my experiences with therapy, how my relationship with myself, others, and God has been strengthened, or about how therapy has changed me, I'd be happy to tell you about it.

#endthestigma #bringchangetomind

Maybe I'm supposed to be a nomad.

Maybe I'm not supposed to have a place.

Others do.

They have family or friends or a place of their own.

The comfort of familiarity, of stability, of being wanted.

I just exist.

I find myself intruding on the sacred moments of families, on the meditative moments of individuals, in the moments people have welcomed me out of politeness or pity but those same people actually wish I'd just leave them be.

Scuttled from human to human. 

Kept at a distance.

She's different than us. We can't claim her, can we?

Can I really blame them?

I don't actually belong anywhere.

And my hollow self feels the cold shudder and ache of the longing to belong. The emptiness of a heart beating to belong. Begging to belong. 

Desperate?

Despicable.

Don't you know you only lose what you cling to!?

Maybe I try too hard. 

No. 

Maybe I don't try hard enough.

And then it burns hot like ice: Grow up little girl. You don't belong anywhere. Find your own way. 

You'll always be alone.

And dream that Lewis was right.