Expecto Patronum

Some days I just cannot.

I cannot get out of bed, or get dressed, or make myself a bowl of oatmeal. Some days I am lucky to get just one of those things done.

I am not the Energizer Bunny; I am human and I get run down and warn out and spread thin.

I think sometimes people look at others and see their Pinterest Perfect lives and Instagram worthy photographs and think these people have all their shiz together. It ain't a fairytale, that's for dang sure.

Depression is ruthless; Even with the right medication. Even with a great support system. Even when you're doing a really fantastic job at caring for yourself and balancing multiple aspects of your life. Even when you're doing everything right.

I have known this darkness for years now. But it wasn't until recently that I accepted that I could not face it on my own. I've found the right combination of medication after much trial and error. I have found a God send of a therapist who has worked wonders with my stubborn and prideful self. But even still, the darkness comes around. I know how it moves, what it clings to, what it flees from. I've learned but I'm still learning. 
Gosh, there's still so much to learn.

Sometimes it just shows up uninvited and makes itself at home, wrapped around my shoulders. It's heavy, but it's a familiar heavy that blends in so well. Sometimes I don't even realize it has taken residence for days. And then the weight hits, hard and heavy and I end up how I did this morning. It stays well past its welcome, because it was never welcome to begin with. It's not so simple to send it on its "merry" way. Funny to think you could send a darkness like depression on its merry way. Ha. It's not like flipping a light switch on or off. It's changing all the time; clinging to this dark corner, fleeing from one enlightened one. There are always more corners to shed light on. It's a process. There is always progress.

Today I woke up and couldn't move.

I wasn't paralyzed. My body was physically fine.

Mentally, I was drowning. My limbs were lead. My head was deep under water.

I knew I needed to move. I told myself to move. But it took all my energy to do it.

I tried to stand up and slumped to the floor like clay off the pottery wheel.

Sludge.

It was like my body turned into a slug and I was lying there wondering where the hell I had got a hold of polyjuice potion. It wasn't graceful, but it wasn't a bloody mess either. I'm not sure the floor was much more comforting than my bed. It wasn't a carpet or a rug. It was just the cheap linoleum that looks like wood and hides dirt fairly well. Well, it hides it well until you think you've found solace with your cheek on a cold, hard wood floor that isn't clean. Then it doesn't hide anything so well. I wanted it to be comforting, but I am numb. I wanted the cold floor to heal my aching and hollow soul like an ice pack healed my childish bumps and bruises. I stared blankly at the baseboards across the room like a gas gauge on empty. In that moment, there was nothing and no one that could lift this weight from me. It just "demanded to be felt" like feelings so honestly do. I wanted someone or something to wrap its arms around me and tell me that it's okay to feel like this, and that it will get better. I know it's supposed to get better. It has to.

But I feel so ashamed.

The darkness creeps in and tells me I'm nothing. I'm worthless. I'm broken. I'm weak. I'm defective. I'm unloveable. I'm unwanted. I'm alone.

It taunts me and laughs when I question if there is really a single soul that cares.

It screams "Stay down. You've already lost."

It's easy to believe, when there's an elephant sitting on your chest.

In an LDS Conferemce talk, Jeffrey R Holland stated the following:

"In striving for some peace and understanding in these difficult matters, it is crucial to remember that we are living—and chose to live—in a fallen world where for divine purposes our pursuit of godliness will be tested and tried again and again. Of greatest assurance in God’s plan is that a Savior was promised, a Redeemer, who through our faith in Him would lift us triumphantly over those tests and trials, even though the cost to do so would be unfathomable for both the Father who sent Him and the Son who came. It is only an appreciation of this divine love that will make our own lesser suffering first bearable, then understandable, and finally redemptive."

"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said ... : “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.” Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."

(You can read the whole address here)

There will be good days, and there will be days when I question my sanity. It's something I'll learn to manage and something, that one day, I hope to overcome. Even when I'm feeling depressed, God's love can still reach me. When I think I'm alone, I can be assured that I am not without Heaven's help. I am grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ and for the peace and reassurance I can receive when I pray. I love the power in prayer. I know that the Lord hears our prayers and that He answers them. He may not always answer them how we think He ought to, but He will answer them in His own time, in His own way. I'm grateful for the blessings He grants me and for the people He places in my life. He is so patient with me. I know there are mountains to climb, but I'm so glad I'm climbing with Him.

*Depression affects 1 in 10 Americans and is more prevalent than you might realize. It is not something to be ashamed of. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, visit the Bring Change 2 Mind website for resources made available to you. If you or someone you know are in crisis, please visit Lifeline or call 1-800-273- TALK. The hotline is available 24/7 and is confidential. If you'd like to learn more about what Mormons believe, visit LDS.org.