Hardest Shift Yet

The day you care for a patient in the same room your friend died in just months earlier.

It's tough.

It'll all work out

Life has been hard. Lately I've thought that I have to do it all on my own. Work x amount of hours a week, intern x amount of hours a week, write research papers, present at scholarly conferences, interview with big name hospitals, prepare for the NCLEX, attempt a social life -- you name it. I've been overworked and spread thin and I've been down and exhausted. I must have forgotten along the way that God has the power to do all things, and that with God I can do all things. 

All Christ asked of the Leper, the lame, the blind, and the sick was "come unto me". And he healed them. He's a man of miracles. Is it really so hard for me to believe that he could do the same for me? I'm stuck in the mentality that I have to do it all on my own, but it's a lie. 

Why is it so hard for me to believe that God wants nothing less for me than happiness? Why is it so hard for me to remember that with God I can do anything. Why is it so hard to remember that he is ready to bless me infinitely if only I just ask him to?

The reality of it all is that I can't do it on my own. I was never asked to do it on my own. He promised he'd be there every step of the way whether I recognized it in the moment or in hind sight. God has a plan, he sees the big picture, and I need to learn to just trust that in his own perfect timing, everything will work out.

Fashion Statement

Sometimes I wear slippers at work. 

Oh, that night shift life.

Thoughts On Change

Change makes us uneasy. It's unknown territory and often times we feel pressured into change after we've grown considerably comfortable where we are. 

But I've come to learn that change is the only constant (as ironic as that is). Change is something we can count on. Time is it's catalyst. Time goes on. Sometimes it's slow and then sometimes it flies. And maybe we aren't always satisfied with the speed of time, but time doesn't stop. We continue to progress, and change happens.

We turn another page or another year older. We reach a goal and make a new one. People move around the corner, across town, beyond the state line, and across the globe. We start a new chapter. We meet new people. We find home away from home. Change happens.

I'm excited for a new chapter, really. It's new and it's different. It's out of my comfort zone. The silverware is in a new drawer, I roll out in the opposite side of the bed, and classes are 12 hours long.

But change is good. Change makes me better. It's through change that I learn to lean on The Lord. It's through change that I learn who I am, my strengths, my shortcomings, and my potential. 

I'm grateful that change doesn't change.

That One Time I Graduated From Nursing School

Well, this happened last week.

Plan Z

You know when you begin to finish one chapter and another one is on the verge of beginning? 

I'm there right now in the book of Jeshi. 

And let me tell you, I really hate the whole endless-unknown-possibilities thing. 

You see, I'm a planner. I plan ahead. I like to know what I'm doing and how I'm getting there etc, etc. I dream up the perfect plan and I execute it to the best of my mortal abilities. But I'm learning that everything I want isn't exactly what The Lord wants for me. When my plan goes off course I tend to panic and question everything. I know God sees the big picture. Sometimes it calms my anxiety, but other times it makes it soar through the roof. I'm learning to accept that He knows what is best. And I'm learning that giving Him my will is the only thing I really have to offer Him for all He's given me. It's hard to accept. But God knows what He is doing. He doesn't make mistakes. I have no need to fear or worry. God has it all under control, and it's out of mine, and you know what-- I think that after a little practice--I can get used to this. 

After all, He is God.

How India Changed Me

India was a life changing experience. It was something completely different from anything I've known. And I loved it. There are many things about me that have changed since I've come home from India. A lot of what I learned and experienced is hard to explain in words. But some things I can.

                       

I am Severely Sentimental. I thought I was emotional and sentimental before. No. It doesn't matter who you are-- if you ask me about my trip to India I am more than likely to politely refuse with a phrase along the lines of, "It was the best thing I have ever done with my life, but I can't tell you about it because I'll cry." And it's true. India changed me in a way that is hard to put into words. It's difficult to share such meaningful and life altering experiences with others because I feel like there is no possible way they can understand the depth and importance of the people, places, and details that I hold so close to my heart.

I Have to Roll Down the Windows. In India the air conditioning was close to non-existent on our long bus rides to and from colonies, church, and everywhere else we drove. For this reason, I have grown particularly fond of driving with the windows down. On a hot day in Provo, I can roll down the window, stick out my arm, close my eyes, and just like that, I'm back. I can feel the wind in my face. I can smell dirty camping bacon. I can hear my friends laughing and singing along to every Disney song. And I feel like I can open my eyes and find myself sitting with my friends on that rickety bus, like I'm home again.

I Desperately Want to Honk My Horn. The streets here are too quiet. There isn't excitement in playing chicken with the bus coming towards you. There aren't stray cows, goats, and dogs running along beside you. There aren't lopsided, overcrowded buses with faces peeking out to stare at the fair-skinned Americans. There aren't colorful fruit stands along the side of the road, or families just getting ready for the day. Honking in India is more of a "I'm coming up beside you, just wanted you to know I'm trying to pass." But here in the states it's only used to shout at other drivers: THE LIGHT IS GREEN! YOU'RE DRIVING TOO SLOW! THIS IS MY LANE, DON'T YOU DARE MERGE! I really wish the honking here was more of the friendly, overused honking in India. I just want to honk all the time, disregard traffic laws, and stuff as many people into a car as I can.


Be Flexible. In preparation for India, we had to take a class that taught us some things about Indian culture, family roles, government, religion, geography-- you get the picture. The one thing they drilled into us consistently was: Be Flexible. But there was no way they could really prepare us for the full flexibility needed for India. We passed this test with flying colors though. From the moment we landed in Mumbai and tried to find our connecting terminal, to the bus breaking down in the middle of nowhere, to the times we'd ask the drivers where we were on the map only to have them answer, " I don't know, I just drive." And not just flexible in the sense of time-- but flexible in sharing seats on the bus even though we knew that one butt cheek would not be fitting on the seat and that if you sat next to someone you barely knew at the beginning of the bus ride, you would know them fairly well when it was over. If we weren't flexible before India, all fourteen of us surely are now.

Everyone Knows Tamil, Right? Instead of resorting to Spanish when someone doesn't speak the same language as me, "Hola, me llamo Jessie. Como estas?" -- I automatically speak in Tamil. "Vanakkam, en payer Jessie, unga para nah?" And then they just stare at me like I'm some crazy person. And then I realize I'm not in Tamil Nadu anymore. Rumba Rumba Awkward.

I'm Learning to Accept Love. Since being home from India, I've had the hardest time finding meaning in my life. I spent a month of my life serving-- and every waking moment was a new opportunity to serve and love. Coming back to the states has been hard in the sense that the people aren't as quick to accept service or love. They're skeptical, busy, and independent. It's almost like you have to pull out their teeth for them to accept anything you do. It's like they're waiting for the catch. You really want to serve me? What's in it for you? I'm still trying to find meaning in my profession and in my life. I miss being so willing to serve and love these people that I'd never met, and having that desire granted. But even more so, I think I miss being loved in return, regardless of who I am, what I've done, or what I look like. I could be a sweaty American speaking broken Tamil in clothes that don't match-- and they would still treat me like I was the most important person in that moment. I think I could have worked forever there and not complained about it. It made me feel whole.


Relationships are Everything. Everyone is important. No one is too small. In India they had nothing. These people were shunned from society, from their families even. Some of them are missing multiple limbs. But they still smile. They accepted each other and became each others family. They care for and lift one another. Often times I am reminded that the only thing we truly carry on into the next life is our knowledge: all of our experiences, everything we've learned in this life. But I believe that there are two things that we take with us. Our knowledge, yes. But also our relationships. How we treat people matters. Loving others regardless of their social status, their skin color, their language, their past-- it's empowering. It's like a fire lights inside of you and it warms you. You become an instrument in the hands of God. I may not ever see my new friends again in this life, but I know that one day I will. India taught me that once you're friends in India, you're friends forever.

A Good Morning

It started out like any other day in good old Utah. The mountains were purple, the sky was pink, and the day was new. 

I woke her easily. There was no need to coax her out of bed or bribe her with the promise of a walk or a treat. She's a fairly independent client. But the love and attention I can give her in the mornings is what she really benefits from.

She's a middle aged woman but her mental age is 4. And she acts like she's four. But I wake her three days a week at the crack of dawn to bathe her and dress her for her work day. 

This morning she sat up and said "Jessie I had a good sleep!" She smiled and giggled. I asked her why her sleep was so great, and she said, "You were in my dream." I was taken aback. Wait a second, I was in her dream? I asked her about what we did, thinking that she'd dreamt of me as some evil warden. I was wrong. 

She dreamt of us singing and dancing. We ran in a race that everyone won and planted a vegetable garden. She mentioned tomatoes, carrots, and cucumbers specifically. We played patty cake, and she introduced me to all her friends. Then she told me, " I like when I dream about you." 

She laughed some more and I laughed with her asking her why she was laughing. Then she said, "I'm just so happy. I get to see you."

Heart. Melted.

And this is why I'm a nurse.

Tender Mercies Part 3

The moment you hit the snooze button on a Monday, you know you're in for it.

I fell back asleep with the snap of a finger, dreamt about people I'd never met and shoes being much too small, only to realize in my dream that I was late for work.

Late for work?
Late for work!

And I was out of bed, ready, and out the door in about 40 seconds.

Don't worry. There were mints in the car.

I prayed fervent prayers that God would clear the roads and blind the cops. I broke a few speeding laws and made it there only slightly late. I'm so glad God knows me well enough to plan for days like these. Just another tender mercy making another ordinary day something extraordinary. Kudos to you, God! 

Love More

Sometimes you know it's coming and other times it hits you like a bus. This one was a bus out of nowhere. 

As a nurse death is inevitable -- as a human it's inevitable. We see both sides. The deceased and the survivors. But let's be honest here, the survivors don't survive without losing pieces of themselves too. We see it everyday; the day of their last breath, the day denial becomes a coping mechanism, the day depression settles in to stay and the day depression decides to overstay its welcome. We see the day bargaining with God becomes a plea with promises of change and loyalty. We see the day when anger breaks the pieces of themselves that they struggled to keep together. We see the day when grief becomes a lifestyle and breathing becomes a chore. 

We watch people die in our skilled hands after everything we can do. The people who are supposed to make it through a simple surgery get the short end of the stick and the people with all odds against them become medical miracles. It's just how life is. Death comes quickly, and we are never the same.

Life is fragile.

People aren't permanent.

If you love people, tell them you do. Go out of your way to tell them. And if you don't love someone as much as you think you should, learn to love them.

Life is short. Love more.

Home

Today we finished touring Dehli. We visited Ghandi's Memorial and the Lotus Temple. I even pedaled a rickshaw through the busy streets of Dehli and explored rooftops like I was Aladdin. 

We met Praveen, his wife Monica, and their two awesome kids, Melissa and Maxwell. Monica taught us how to make aloo curry and puri. Indian food is good in restaurants, but it's so much better homemade. We spent our last few hours at the street market-- it's cool to see the change in us. We've mastered bargaining and we're so much more comfortable here than we were a month ago.

They say we're heading home tonight. Two long haul flights: the first from Dehli to Paris, the second from Paris to Salt Lake City. The thing is, I feel like I'm leaving home, not returning home. It's strange to think I could fall so madly in love with a place, a culture, and its people in such a short time. But I have. I have a new family and new friends. And even though it has only been three days since we left RSO, it feels like a lifetime ago.

I'm worried I'll forget their faces and their stories. I'm worried I'll forget the sounds of the kids calling for me on the playground and the sounds of my friends and I as we laughed and worked with the colonies. I'm worried I won't remember the feelings of the spirit and the love that was rendered to me so freely. I'm afraid I'll return to the states and forget the things I've learned and that I won't change from this experience. And leaving India makes it difficult to maintain composure of my tear ducts. 

So excited for western toilets and running water in Paris!

Yay for clean bathrooms! #jumpingbathroomselfie

We made it to SLC!

Happy Father's Day!

Because we spent Father's Day on the other side of the world, we did something special for our dads. Take a look!

I'm so grateful for my dad. He's my best friend, my number one fan, and my protector. He has always supported me in my dreams-- whatever size they may be. He loves me endlessly, and I know that it will never change. The man I marry one day will have big expectations to live up to and I am so grateful for that. I love you Faja, because you are my everything.

The Taj Mahal

Sunday morning we woke up 4am (dark and early) so we could see the Taj Mahal at sunrise. I have to admit that I knew nothing about the Taj Mahal before I visited Agra, but since learning about it, I know of no better love story. The marriage between Shah Jahan and the Persian Princess Mumtaz Mahal was a love marriage. This is significant to note because in India, arranged marriage is a part of the culture. It is common, and it is respected. Even today arranged marriages take place. They had 14 children, 8 dying during or shortly after child birth. The queen died at age 39 due to complications with the birth of her fourteenth child

After she died, the king had the Taj Mahal built in her loving memory. The Taj Mahal is actually a mausoleum and the queen's tomb lies within it. The Taj Mahal is 1.4 million tons of marble. I didn't know that number existed. It's built on a foundation of tiek wood and it sits next to the Yamuna river, which happens to be the second holiest river in India. It is said to be sacred in that it frees one from the torments of death- coincidence? I think not. In all this time, the Taj has never sunk into the river bank. Can you imagine the foundation beneath 1.4 million tons of marble? It took 22 years to complete and about 22,000 of the best artisan workers and craftsmen from many countries. It is perfectly symmetrical, down to the finest details in the surrounding landscape. It is the only historic monument in the world  that symbolizes love. This man did nothing less than the best for the love of his life (men of the world, if you want to impress a girl, take some tips from Shah Jahan). Even after two other arranged marriages in his lifetime, he never celebrated his love for them like he did for her. His two wives from arranged marriages were buried outside the walls of he monument. When he died, he was buried beside her, becoming the only asymmetrical portion of the Taj Mahal.

I was talking to my friend, Alyssa, about the Taj Mahal and how much the king must have loved his wife to build such an incredible wonder in her memory. I decided that Heaven's gates will not be pearl-- but marble. The same marble as the Taj Mahal that glows when illuminated by sun or moonlight. Isn't it incredible to think about a love story like theirs, and then to put into perspective how much God loves us? I'm sure he has built us all palaces out of marble simply because he loves and misses us. If this is the case, how much more beautiful could heaven get? I assure you there is nothing more beautiful.

Namaste!

Capstone here we come!

Dani * Me * Kendra * Janeen

After visiting the Taj Mahal we had a bit of a break so we could sleep, but when we reconvened we set out to visit another shop. It Is owned by the same family line that originally built the Taj Mahal. They specialized in marble inlaying of semi precious stones including onyx, lapis from Afghanistan, mother pearl , carnelian from Arabia, jasper, turquoise from Tibet, etc. The marble is hand carved and the stones are also cut and perfected by hand. The colors are vivid and bright.  My favorite is the Carnelian stone. It's orange, and when you shine light on it, it glows and illuminates the stone. The marble carving and inlaying of stone is still a family business and the glue they use is still a family secret. 

If you know how much I love the Taj Mahal, you'll understand when I tell you that I was so in love with this little shop. There weren't enough rupees in my pocket for me to purchase works of art from here, but I took some pictures of the details so you can enjoy them too.

Before we left Agra we stopped by McDonalds for a much needed and anticipated ice cream run. I paid 14 rupees for it-- which is about a quarter in the States. We said goodbye to our Agra tour guide, Ramesh, and started out on our five hour drive to Dehli. 

We spent our last night in India in Dehli, all dreading goodbye, but excited to return home. We picked up personal pizzas at Pizza Hut and headed up to our rooms to eat. And, can you believe it? I set off the strip on the back of our room key again-- just like I did our first day here (it only happens when Kendra and I are roommates). We had a good laugh about that.

I'm grateful we were saying goodbye to Dehli, because if I had had to leave India and say goodbye to my friends at RSO in the same day, I think It would have been so much harder. We celebrated by piling all 14 of us into one hotel room and watching Austenland. We even managed to get some popcorn for the occasion. And then the day faded and we fell asleep, dreaming of India.

Dad, I Rode An Elephant

This morning after we ate breakfast we loaded our luggage into the bus and filed onto it. We were all so excited to start touring today because today is the day we got to ride elephants, in India. 

We stopped at a pink building and if it was important we don't know and we'll probably never know-- because we're girls and we saw a shoe shop. It's normal. Shoes in India? Please! Forget the pink building (even though it was pretty). Some of us bought shoes, and others forced our money to stay in our pockets. And those of us who were lucky enough to escape the temptation of shoes eventually met a snake charmer on the street. Of course we took the opportunity to hold a snake! And it came with a price, as all things do in India. (Traveling Tip: don't take pictures with random people. They demand payment after. Another story to come).

Also, the street vendors are persistent. Extremely persistent. And if I wasn't claustrophobic before my trip here, I sure am now. But seriously. Sometimes we get a bit frustrated because we want to enjoy India and the sites we only have this chance to see. And all the while we have Indian trinkets, blankets, and tourist spotters in our faces attempting to steal our attention and our rupees. It's all a part of experiencing India though. 

Some of my favorite sayings?

    "Only _____ rupees Madame!"

    "Top quality, Madame."

    "For you I give best price, student price, only _____ rupees."
    "Free, for a kiss."

We drove to the base of a mountain and saw elephants carrying tourists to The Amber Palace. I think our hearts all skipped a beat as we paired off. It seemed way to good to be true-- riding an elephant in India? Pinch me. We stood in line for an elephant ride among persistent vendors set on selling us outrageously priced souvenirs and then faster than I could think, I was riding an elephant in India. His name was "Jampa" and he was the best elephant. Dreams really do come true! Dani and I rode Jampa to the Amber Palace and then Ramesh and Raj took us on a tour of it. 

Ramesh and Raj take such good care of us. But seriously, if you knew how many times on the Dehli trip we could have been in serious trouble without Raj and Ramesh looking after us, you'd probably tip them well. Very well.

After the tour we headed back to the bus and paid way too much for pictures of Dani and me riding elephants. A woman with a small baby came up to me and asked if I'd take a picture with her baby-- she shoved the darling girl into my arms and Dani snapped a picture. Immediately following the picture, the woman demanded rupees. I've thought about this a bit, and realized how that precious baby girl was being sold by her own mother. It bothered me more the more I thought about it. I won't be taking pictures with anyone other than my nursing friends the rest of this trip.

We then stopped to take a picture at The Water Palace and saw camel rides across the street. Kendra and I decided to save some rupees on this round, and took pictures with the camels instead. The ten other girls with us jumped on camels for another ride.

We then set off on another 5 hour drive to Agra. If you've been following the blog, you know that this too is normal. They did not disappoint us with our hotel. We stayed at Jaypee Palace, and "Palace" was no understatement. I felt like royalty. They greeted us like tourists entering Hawaii with strings of flowers-- but Indian style with Jasmine. We met back up with Jaclyn and Kristin at this hotel and they'll be finishing their tour with us. It was so nice to have everyone together again. 

We then visited Agra Fort and learned a lot about how they had engineered air conditioning and heating systems without electricity in the past. It was so interesting learning about how resourceful and brilliant they were. 

A king that once lived there ruled for an extended period of years-- because the people respected him. The king had 3 wives (one Hindu, one Muslim, and one Christian) as well as over 365 concubines. That's more concubines than days in the Muslim calendar, mind you. We saw the parliament quarters where all things India were discussed. There were rooms painted in gold with precious and semi precious stones. It once had orchards in the courtyard, but then marijuana gardens replaced them when a different king took the throne (from the words of our tour guide he was very much an alcoholic). There were even market places within the fort where the king could shop for concubines while the prospective concubines shopped for other things. We even saw the living quarters of the rest of the royal family. We didn't get a chance to learn about or visit the mosque in the fort because it was under renovation. The Indian army still resides in the fort and occupies about 80% of the fort currently, so we only saw maybe 15% of the entire fort-- it's huge.

We had Dinner at the Taj Mahal restaurant and then visited a rug weaving factory. I have a whole different appreciation for rugs now. There were over 400 knots in every square inch! And every knot is tied by hand. They were flawless! Yogi, the shop owner, showed us around and let us take off our stinky, sweaty shoes and test out the carpets. They tried selling us rugs, but let's be honest: as beautiful as they were, there was no way we could afford those on a student budget. We sang "A Whole New World" and pretended to ride magic carpets instead. The pictures are a laugh and a half. It was great!

Yogi joked as he took a photo with us (14 young girls) that he was the richest man in the world-- that women were a great treasure. He was so sweet. He's been investigating the church the last four years. He told us how much joy living the Word of Wisdom brings to him. He says he doesn't want to make decisions too fast and I respect him for that. We've had lots of missionary experiences here. We aren't allowed to proselyte, but when people ask us questions, we always take the opportunity to answer them the best we can.

When we returned to the hotel we opened the door that joined our rooms with our neighbors Kendra, Andrea, and Rachel. I love these girls. We've become so much closer this trip and I'm grateful for the chance to make friends. We laughed about little moments from the day and about how ticklish Kendra is while looking at pictures of elephant rides and camels and soon thereafter, we passed out.

Jaipur

We woke up at 1am to drive the two hours to Chennai. Saying goodbye to Claartje and Ashley stung; goodbyes are the worst. Especially the ones when you know it's really goodbye. Dr. Susan and Abarna accompanied me on the drive in case of any emergency. They dropped us off curbside and it was hard to watch the RSO med van drive off. I stared at my feet and the sidewalk below me. I held back the tears. I didn't want to leave RSO-- and to be honest if I could trade the tourism trip we're on to stay at RSO for just one more week-- I'd stay at RSO with no hesitation. We made it through security and boarded our flight without any problems. I sat next to Kendra and Julia. We made it to Mumbai and had a couple hours of a layover before catching a second flight to Jaipur.

We landed in Jaipur and met Raj, our tour guide. We boarded the bus and headed to our hotel, The Ramada. It's actually super nice. Immediately after we checked in, we loaded the bus for lunch. Mind you, it was nearly 4 pm.

This bus was luxury. After our time at Rising Star, we
really enjoyed our own air conditioning vents. 

Being in Northern India is different than Southern. It seems to be more cultured and more wealthy. There are definitely slums, and they are hard to drive past. There are still kids begging in the streets to bring their parents a paycheck. There are still fruit stands. (And to be honest I think I've seen Aladdin and Abu a couple times). There are even mules pulling ancient looking carts around town among nice Audis. But it's wealthier. You can tell.

Jaipur is known as "The Pink City". It was painted pink to welcome Prince Albert of Wales. Before it was pink, it was once painted white, then yellow, and finally it was painted pink-- symbolizing luck and prosperity. The city is also known for its textiles and block printing. 

We toured around Jaipur today with a travel guide named "Sing". Actually, his real name is much longer and more complicated so he told all of us we could just call him Sing. We visited an observatory-- pretty cool for all you engineers and astronomers out there. Jaipur holds the record for the world's largest sun dial and we got to see it today. We could read the time within two seconds of what our phones had synced right off the stone. How crazy is it to think that people can measure and build things so exact? 

We also visited the City Palace. We got some great pictures there. We also learned about a king who once ruled Jaipur. He was 7 feet tall and 4 feet wide. He weighed over 550 pounds. We saw his pants -- and they were ginormous. I'm pretty sure that if anyone started the "ride your elephant to school" trend, it must have been him. He had to ride elephants because he was much too large for horses.

We visited a textile shop and learned about block printing with stamps. I loved learning about it. Their designs are beautiful and it was really fun watching them create art like I'd never seen before. They use the block stamps and dyes from vegetables to print designs on tablecloths, blankets, clothes, etc. 

We returned to the hotel at about 8pm. The group is meeting up for dessert and a movie in a room down the hall. But it's now 930 and I'm still drowsy from the Benadryl and the other medications Dr. Susan has prescribed. So I'm heading off to bed for some decent sleep. I'm loving it here. The people are beautiful. The culture is rich. There is so much to see. And I feel like a part of me has always lived here.