I lost five patients in four days.
Death was busy collecting souls.
On my fourth day, I sat in my car before work and couldn't get out. My anxiety was a nine out of ten and my body felt heavy from the emotional load of an increase in patient deaths. The week had been a roller coaster and my mind was an out of control carousel; but this was no amusement park. Some sick nightmare if you would.
I prayed in my car and ask God to please help me be less anxious. Enough to get me into work because I knew death was waiting for my patient upstairs on the 6th floor; But if I could just get to work and get started on my day, my anxiety would subside and things would work out. I also felt incredibly lonely. So I also asked Him to please find a way to show me that I'm loved. I took a deep breath, turned off KLOVE that was playing on my radio, and set on my half mile walk to work.
The day went fast, and my anxiety was near non existent. But I still had no sign that day to remind me that I was loved. I gave my patients their last bath, prepared them to meet their Savior, and tried to comfort families that couldn't be comforted. I remind myself that I gave my patients dignified deaths, because sometimes that is all that comforts me.
And I remember thinking; Father I chose this profession so I could be an instrument in your hands, and I know your way is best-- but does it have to be this way. Does he have to die now? Could she see her family one last time? Who is going to walk Claire down the aisle? Who is going to take Alaina fishing? Who is going to be Trey's number one fan at T-ball games? What will happen to their homes and their spouses and to the plans they made? Life has been so good to them. Is this really the end of their journey here?
When their final breath becomes only air and the family leaves after their goodbyes, I prepare their body for the morgue. There on the counter was a letter addressed to me. A simple thank you written in his daughter's shakey handwriting. She was an ICU nurse herself. She knew the prognosis long before her family could come to terms with it. I felt her love and appreciation for me. And I knew again that I had chosen the right profession. I knew this is where the Lord wanted me to be.
God is on the move.
Hallelujah.
He is waiting and ready to bless us abundantly if only we ask.
