I am one of the lucky kids that gets to have more than one mom. Some people get the evil stepmother and step sisters. Me? I get the awesome stepmother and ridiculously awesome step sisters.
I've always known my step mom gives good advice, but I haven't always asked her for it. She can read me like an open book even when I'm determined to keep my pages locked up tight.
I've struggled with my relationship with my biological mother for quite a while. We've both said and done things to distance ourselves from each other. I've been working a lot on myself lately. There has been some major self remodeling and improvement. I talk to my step mom pretty regularly about my progress and current projects. She listens with genuine concern and interest. And her advice often adds a whole new perspective to what I thought was previously so black and white.
The most recent lesson she taught me was just this week. I explained to her why I was anxious and quite frankly stressed out about seeing my mom while I was in town. I explained the very black reasons why I wanted to see her and the very white reasons of why I didn't want to see her. And then she taught me something.
She explained to me that those feelings were valid. She then proceeded to ask me a couple of questions:
1. Which decision would you regret? (Aka would you have more regret not visiting with your mom while in town or more regret if you didn't). I explained that I felt I'd have regret either way. I couldn't predict what positive or negative interactions might occur between us. And I thought it'd be safer to just avoid the situation entirely.
2. Are you making your decision to see or not see your mom from a vindictive place? Or are you making the decision to see or not see your mom from a loving place? To be completely honest, I had to really ponder my answer. I wasn't sure. There were pieces if me that wanted to be vindictive and plain awful to protect myself from the hurt I've already experienced and from the hurt I was positive would come with our interactions. The other pieces of me yearned for the chance to have a positive experience with my mom and to give us both a chance to attempt another fresh start-- even if it was just baby steps.
She further explained to me that the boundaries I have set for myself and for my mother don't have to come from a harsh mindset; In fact, I can make every interaction with my mother a loving one. I can always choose to be gentle and honest with her. It's not always easy and she may not always react in a calm or understanding way-- but it can be done. And in the end, I wouldn't feel the shame or guilt from shutting my mom out.
It just clicked.
Here is this woman who has married my father, who my mom really doesn't care for, who has every reason to be undesireable in her dealings with my mom-- and she is teaching me how to love her.
How incredibly humbling it was to learn this lesson from her.
I am so lucky to have a stepmother who genuinely cares about my well being and the developmrnt of my character. She really is a Super Mom. And I'm so glad I get to call her mine.
