I've had the worst luck with friends in the past 2.5 decades of my life. I think that I'm pretty fiercely loyal when it comes to people I care about; and also codependent. The mix doesn't mesh well.
I've been doing a lot of self work that has required a lot of thinking, processing, and quite literal molding myself and my mind into who I want to be. The work is difficult, but it's incredible to look down from the mountain I've climbed and see the progress before my very eyes.
After all the heartache of losing friends, the emptiness of buying friends, the destructiveness of not aligning myself with the "right type of friends", and the never ending seeking for the approval of "friends", I had just about given up. I told my therapist I didn't need anyone or want anyone in my life. I was just going to move to the middle of nowhere and live and be by myself where no one could hurt me and where I could hurt no one. I tried just flat out pushing everyone away because "being friends" was exhausting. Being around people was painful. And I stayed stuck in that mindset for an amount of time I'm embarrassed to admit. It took a while before I finally admitted to my own mistakes and misjudgments. I dusted myself off with my tail between my legs and got back to work. God must have noticed the effort I was pouring into my own development because somewhere along the road that same God decided to change it up.
In the midst of losing a friend that I thought was finally this ultimate friend-- I all so over-dramatically believed that life couldn't go on and that I absolutely couldn't catch a break. But God was already in the finest and most intricate parts of the fabric. When I look back at the work I invested in myself and the progress that I've made since what seemed like rock bottom, I cannot deny the hand of God in my life. He had an infinitely better plan all along.
And thus, this is how He is in all our lives: He is in every detail.
I've been doing a lot of self work that has required a lot of thinking, processing, and quite literal molding myself and my mind into who I want to be. The work is difficult, but it's incredible to look down from the mountain I've climbed and see the progress before my very eyes.
After all the heartache of losing friends, the emptiness of buying friends, the destructiveness of not aligning myself with the "right type of friends", and the never ending seeking for the approval of "friends", I had just about given up. I told my therapist I didn't need anyone or want anyone in my life. I was just going to move to the middle of nowhere and live and be by myself where no one could hurt me and where I could hurt no one. I tried just flat out pushing everyone away because "being friends" was exhausting. Being around people was painful. And I stayed stuck in that mindset for an amount of time I'm embarrassed to admit. It took a while before I finally admitted to my own mistakes and misjudgments. I dusted myself off with my tail between my legs and got back to work. God must have noticed the effort I was pouring into my own development because somewhere along the road that same God decided to change it up.
In the midst of losing a friend that I thought was finally this ultimate friend-- I all so over-dramatically believed that life couldn't go on and that I absolutely couldn't catch a break. But God was already in the finest and most intricate parts of the fabric. When I look back at the work I invested in myself and the progress that I've made since what seemed like rock bottom, I cannot deny the hand of God in my life. He had an infinitely better plan all along.
And thus, this is how He is in all our lives: He is in every detail.
