Weight of the World

March 8, 2015

Today I got a taste of the depth and weight of my job.

My role is critical.

Today someone learns their brain tumor is benign or they learn it's malignant, inoperable, and terminal. Today someone's mother loses a child, a daughter loses her dad, someone loses a sister, a best friend, a son-- something so life altering and unthinkable, yet it's a common occurrence here.

They come and plead, " Doctor, fix me, please. Doctor, please tell me what's wrong with me. " And some never leave the hospital again. Some get a second chance at life with minimal complications. Some lose their legs, an arm and a leg, their senses, their minds, and some lose their lives. They're hooked up to machines that breathe for them, pump for them, machines that even act like their own kidney. Some walk in with a headache, and become an organ donor within days. This work has weight.

I am the hands that care for these people. For the one moving to the next life, and for the loved ones left behind. The veil is very thin, and Heaven's Angels reside very close by.

I witness the worst day of someones life every day I walk into work. My job is hard. My job is physically and emotionally taxing. They didn't teach us how to work through this in nursing school. 

What an honor it is to be the Hands and Heart that care for the Lord's children in their hour of need. The load is heavy. But I know the work I do is important. I'm so grateful to be here. 

Nurse Resident Orientation Day Three (Nashville Tennessee)

Today was day three.
I'm learning a ton, but I'm finding I know a lot as well.
I recognize some things, and others seem past my understanding.
But mostly I'm learning,
and I'm soaking it all up like a sponge.
I'm meeting new people--I can tell they're good people.
We're in for the long haul together.
I'm grateful for them.
I caught myself losing interest today,
like I'd decided that I was too good for orientation.
For wounds and ostomies
For the professionals that prepared their presentations.
For my peers surrounding me in that old gym.
And I corrected myself.
Thank Goodness.
This is the good thing about nursing:
There is always more to learn.
I have potential, and that potential continues to grow.
This opportunity is Gold.
I have the chance to work among the best,
to learn from the best,
to become like the best.
They really want me to succeed,
and I really want them to see that happen.
Just like BYU prepared me for this moment,
Vanderbilt will prepare me for the next.
There are no limits.
Only possibilities. 

The NCLEX: #MostEmbarrassingMoment

On Groundhog's Day, Kendra and I took the NCLEX. It's the nursing exam of death. An exam like nothing else we've taken before. We studied daily for months with the exception of Sundays. The night before the exam, we stayed the night at Kendra's place. And lets just say I broke the ice. Im pretty sure it was my most embarrassing moment yet. It went a little something like this:

After arriving at Kendra's house I went upstairs to change into my jammies and out of my church clothes. It was late, and I was tired and nervous and uncomfortable. As I walked down her steep staircase I found myself flying and shrieking and really quite surprised -- and still in this very moment I don't know how I flew-- but I had a rough landing. My rump hit one step, two steps, three steps-- I flew again and lost track of the steps as I skidded to a stop. The world slowed for a split second as I caught my breath. Kendra ran around the corner to see the sight-- and we both busted up, doubled over in laughter. 

Or in Kendra's words:

"I waited anxiously for Jessie to join me downstairs so we could snuggle together in our comfy pajamas. Out of nowhere I suddenly heard a shriek and pounding like a herd of elephants coming down the stairs. I whipped my head towards the sound  just in time to see Jessie hit the last couple of stairs while suspended in a semi-fowlers position. Of course the polite thing to do to a guest would be to make sure she was okay while helping her up and trying to alleviate the awkwardness. But I, being the thoughtful caring person I am, ran over and fell on the stairs next to her laughing hysterically with little regard to her emotional or physical condition. These are the events that will ever be remembered as preceding the dreaded day of our NCLEX exam."

And we both passed. 

We're both Registered Nurses now!  

New Year: New Adventure

Many of you may already know that I have been offered a position as a Nurse Resident on an ICU floor at a top notch hospital. It's my first grown up job. And it also requires me to move across the country to a place I've never been to. This new year has a lot of firsts for me. It has a lot of unknowns.  But it's also a blank page, a new chapter, and a chance to become even more like the person God is creating me to be.

Although I'm excited for the chapters ahead, I can't help but remember how blessed I am to be here. This is where I found myself. It's where some of my closest friends and I share innumerable memories: nursing humor, life's low points, studying abroad, studying in the library, early morning clinical carpooling, the Healer's Art-- the list is endless.

I'm so grateful to BYU for getting me this far. I'm grateful for the support of friends and family. I'm grateful for the relationships that have developed and the lessons I've learned even if I was resistant to learning at the time. I'm grateful for the chance to attend a University that allows us to welcome the spirit and encourages us to seek its companionship intertwined with our studies. I'm grateful that I was able to learn the Healer's Art with the help of the spirit, because I know the spirit will guide me as I care for God's children. I know I'm well prepared. I know I'm ready.

But it's still hard to go.

This place is home now. It will always be a home away from home. Where people still reside that I care for and love. Where the bell tower still sings at noon. Where the Spirit of God works in the hearts of students and enables them to become their best.

My new adventure starts now, and it's going to be awesome. 

Hardest Shift Yet

The day you care for a patient in the same room your friend died in just months earlier.

It's tough.

It'll all work out

Life has been hard. Lately I've thought that I have to do it all on my own. Work x amount of hours a week, intern x amount of hours a week, write research papers, present at scholarly conferences, interview with big name hospitals, prepare for the NCLEX, attempt a social life -- you name it. I've been overworked and spread thin and I've been down and exhausted. I must have forgotten along the way that God has the power to do all things, and that with God I can do all things. 

All Christ asked of the Leper, the lame, the blind, and the sick was "come unto me". And he healed them. He's a man of miracles. Is it really so hard for me to believe that he could do the same for me? I'm stuck in the mentality that I have to do it all on my own, but it's a lie. 

Why is it so hard for me to believe that God wants nothing less for me than happiness? Why is it so hard for me to remember that with God I can do anything. Why is it so hard to remember that he is ready to bless me infinitely if only I just ask him to?

The reality of it all is that I can't do it on my own. I was never asked to do it on my own. He promised he'd be there every step of the way whether I recognized it in the moment or in hind sight. God has a plan, he sees the big picture, and I need to learn to just trust that in his own perfect timing, everything will work out.

Fashion Statement

Sometimes I wear slippers at work. 

Oh, that night shift life.